Dormancy. That describes the state of this blog, more often than not. I don't even consider it to be a blog. I feel that a blog should have some purpose, and this one does not, other than possibly being the place I think about when I'm mulling over my options. I've been in my own sort of dormancy now for several years...my head down working toward something: trying to got on my feet post-divorce, get full-time employment, get my degree, plan a wedding, get used to a new job, and now, looking at grad school because I don't feel comfortable in the corner that I've wedged myself into. Unnecessarily stressed and unhappy, I allow little brain-space for those things that might keep me sane. Things like hobbies, exercise.
Every so often there's a spark. Rock camp felt like it would change my life. There's the occasional bubble of creativity as I take up some craft. I can still get lost in music, once in a while, and there's always a book. Right now I'm rather obsessed with roller derby. But the spark dims or gets doused, either by my location, my work schedule (which includes a weekly evening and every other Saturday), or my inner dialogues tainted by well-seated introversion, depression, and old tapes that I can never seem to switch off. I'm old enough to know I should be able to rise above all that, but also old enough to acknowledge that I will probably not change. But maybe I can work around this?
I need a project, something that I can work on daily, at the very least weekly. Something that will rise above the work stress. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm thinking...
For now, a list. Small things, big things. Possibilities, a brain storm!
1. Grad school. I don't relish the idea of returning to school. The time, the stress, the money, and maybe I'm too old for this. But there's a spark in the challenge of it, and the lure of progress when I've spent this past year just sort of floundering keeps me moving toward this thing, even as it repels me. I'm still waiting for the official word on my GRE scores to start my school search seriously, but I made my first application to a program that doesn't require the GRE.
2. Sewing. I need to revisit this idea, if only because as I get older the lifelong inability to feel comfortable in the options available to me is getting worse. I don't want to follow someone else's trend or idea of what a woman my age is supposed to wear. I found a book on creating skirts (a relatively simple place to start) and modifying them for body type and size. I have my grandmother's sewing machine which, for years now, I've been meaning to take in to be reconditioned. I don't have space in the house for this project, unless I get good about clearing the dining table so we don't end up eating our meals on the couch and coffee table.
3. The tattoo. Little to be said about this. I made the decision at age 19. Then, it was going to be that thing I did in my 40th year (that's come and gone). I know where I want to go, who I want to do it, and a few ideas about what I want...I've always just been intimidated about going to the parlor alone, but I think that's my self-imposed perception and limitation and I just need to get over it. Reading reviews of the shop have helped a little in that department.
4. Skating. Yep, it's funny, but I really do want to get back on skates. Okay, I really want to join the roller derby league, but that's out of the question. I have to travel to find a rink, to Vancouver, WA, or Portland, but it's doable. If I have to go by myself, like the tattoo, that makes things more difficult, kind of "odd", but maybe it's worth it, just to see...
5. Cooking
6. Block printing
7. Zine (thinking more of a theme-based collaborative thing).
8. Volunteering: hospice, humane society, community house, girls rock camp, roller derby
9. Exercise: walking, cycling, hiking, skating (!)
10.