About a year ago, I broke down and sought help.
No.
Sometime last year, I happened to break down in a nurse's office and was told that I needed help. I'd recognized that fact for a while. I'd been screaming for help internally for several months or more, but ASKING aloud was a hurdle I hadn't yet cleared.
So.
No therapy, just a happy little pink pill. Really, it has helped. I can function. I can be nice, and smile, and get out of bed. I almost can't recognize the person I was last year, the behaviors--how frustrated and out of control, how angry, how depressed. How helpless, even as my brain is telling me: this is crazy! All you have to do is stop. Say sorry. Get out of bed. Go outside. DO SOMETHING.
It was hard to say yes to medication. It felt like, still feels like, a cop-out. And I'd taken pills before--a little blue one--that made me numb, and I didn't want to be numb. But this one's better. I can still feel. I still have desire, whether it's answered or not. I still get sad, but the pill files down the corners, fills in the pits so I don't sink down too low. It might be rounding off the highs, too. I don't know that I ever feel really happy, but I do feel good. Just sometimes I sense an underlying panic that time is going by and I'm not doing anything with it, because really I'm not. The rounding of corners also seems to take away my motivation. There's a busy little person inside my brain who has a running list of things she'd like to do--crafts, books, trips, exercise, etc.--but for the life of me, I can't make myself actually do any of these things. I'm not depressed, but I'm curled up in a little ball--killing time with mindless games on the phone, endless television, or just immobile, wondering what it will take to get me up and going, as I get rounder and older and less comfortable in my clothing and appearance. Is it the little pill? Is it the new job forcing me to be extroverted and public when I am very much an introvert? A combination of these and more?
As my mood has evened out in the past year, I've taken stock of the introversion, my relationships and interactions with other people. I think there is something that keeps me distant from everyone. Like a clear gel layer. I used to describe my depression like a gel layer--like the Japanese food konnyaku--cold, grey, almost opaque. It's clear now, sun can come in, and I can see you, but it keeps anyone from getting close to me. Do I have my arms out, pushing people away? Is there a dullness that repels? People that I consider my best friends obviously have much closer relationships with others. There's a politeness and formality that close friends don't bother with. And small talk with strangers, acquaintances are full of awkwardness, and in a room full of strangers, I'm aware of new connections forming as I remain outside, aloof.
And, oh my god, if I meet my idols? I've given up on that. I've met Amanda Palmer twice, the second time actually had a conversation piece prepared (I had submitted a piece of fabric that ended up on a kimono she was wearing. She was sitting on it as I spoke to her, but so flustered after two hours in line I forgot about it, basically apologized for the long evening and it wasn't until I got out the door and that I remembered and broke into tears. I didn't even chance the line when I went to hear The Bloggess read. And I no longer have regrets about the time I sold Robin Hitchcock a postcard and said not one word about what I fan I was. Because saying nothing means there's nothing TO regret).
Maybe it's my imagination, a function of the introversion and anxiety, but honestly I don't think so. Something missing from my brain? I feel empathy, almost too much sometimes, but I don't offer anything of myself, maybe. I don't know.
Where's the rainbow-colored pill for personality?
Grace Fell
Random trips, here and there.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thursday, October 04, 2012
Famous Last Words
After the last post, about a year ago, after my renewed commitment to be Be ALL That I Could Be, the roller derby league underwent major changes. Reforming, regrouping, and all that fun stuff...so I didn't skate for about three months (which at that time seemed like eternity). At the first of the year, the reformed league found a place to skate that we really couldn't afford. I felt like only a few of us were really trying to hold things together, and in trying to hold things together and make it to all the practices, I got really behind in my studies...Then my son got a part in a play. I took some time off from derby to catch up with school, see how my wallflower boy had bloomed into a pretty neat young dude...By the time the semester ended, the league wasn't skating anymore.
That'd be the end of my derby days, except back when I was full of hope, I'd bought a pass to Rollercon, a massively awesome roller derby convention in Las Vegas. I went, had blast, learned a lot in skills and in the nuts and bolts of running a league, met wonderful people, felt inspired to return to skating...was making plans to go to Rollercon in '13!!!
and then I returned to reality of the place where I live, and the way my life looks right now. To skate, I need to travel, and I seem to have neither time, energy, nor motivation. As of now now, I've gone cold turkey...trying to clear my head, not watching derby, not spending much time on Facebook which is 75% derby-related for me. Concentrating on school. Concentrating on a struggling relationship. School's a bitch. So's work. The end is in sight, though, for school, and who knows what that will mean for work, and maybe this lead balloon will lift. I don't know what I'll do with my free time when I get it back. Maybe I'll be involved with derby somehow...as a fan, as a volunteer, I don't know...Haven't thought about clearing out my gear chest of derby skinz, holey tights, laces, wheels, tools, skates, pads & guards, knee highs, because denial is a river in Egypt...Not sure I'm ready to shut the door completely, although it seems mostly closed right now.
A year ago, the thought of quitting derby caused so much conflict, like tearing a hole in my gut...but since then it's been balanced by the stress of playing even a small part in attempting to get a fledgling league off the ground, the realization I really don't "fit", resignation that school needs to win right now...I regret not coming to derby at a time when I could put my all into it (i.e. 10 years ago, without school), but I don't regret going outside my comfort zone to put on skates, look stupid, feel good, and have so much fun.
So who knows what will happen? On to the next crazy adventure! Screw it, maybe I'll take up the ukulele.
That'd be the end of my derby days, except back when I was full of hope, I'd bought a pass to Rollercon, a massively awesome roller derby convention in Las Vegas. I went, had blast, learned a lot in skills and in the nuts and bolts of running a league, met wonderful people, felt inspired to return to skating...was making plans to go to Rollercon in '13!!!
and then I returned to reality of the place where I live, and the way my life looks right now. To skate, I need to travel, and I seem to have neither time, energy, nor motivation. As of now now, I've gone cold turkey...trying to clear my head, not watching derby, not spending much time on Facebook which is 75% derby-related for me. Concentrating on school. Concentrating on a struggling relationship. School's a bitch. So's work. The end is in sight, though, for school, and who knows what that will mean for work, and maybe this lead balloon will lift. I don't know what I'll do with my free time when I get it back. Maybe I'll be involved with derby somehow...as a fan, as a volunteer, I don't know...Haven't thought about clearing out my gear chest of derby skinz, holey tights, laces, wheels, tools, skates, pads & guards, knee highs, because denial is a river in Egypt...Not sure I'm ready to shut the door completely, although it seems mostly closed right now.
A year ago, the thought of quitting derby caused so much conflict, like tearing a hole in my gut...but since then it's been balanced by the stress of playing even a small part in attempting to get a fledgling league off the ground, the realization I really don't "fit", resignation that school needs to win right now...I regret not coming to derby at a time when I could put my all into it (i.e. 10 years ago, without school), but I don't regret going outside my comfort zone to put on skates, look stupid, feel good, and have so much fun.
So who knows what will happen? On to the next crazy adventure! Screw it, maybe I'll take up the ukulele.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Time Flies: A fresh start, Take 5
I last posted in 2009? No, I think there were later missives, but those pages got torn out. They probably had something to do with making a fresh start on this blog, making a post or two toward that fresh start and then coming back months later to get rid of the evidence of yet another failure to make a fresh start--at least blog-wise. I waffle between lack of motivation and lack of time, and usually both, but here I am again: Ready to Make a Fresh Start.
What will it be about this time?
This time...it will be simple. And probably repetitious and unreadable after a while, if I do indeed continue it for a while. I still envision the lack of time. Currently, along with my usual full-time employment and family, I am a half-time grad student and a wannabe derby girl. The heart of the matter is that I am unhappy in my job (a change for the better in hindsight has resulted in a Loss of Mastery and of Self), not thrilled about school (hanging on the thread that it will help get me out of the niche I feel wedged into), and these two things leave me little time or energy for derby. Women's Flat Track Roller Derby. My only real hobby of the moment. I cannot give up my job, and I cannot give up school if I want to improve the job situation, but honestly, I don't want to give up the only expendable thing. Roller derby forces me to exercise, forces me to socialize, makes me feel good and a part of something. It keeps me relatively sane and gives me a reason to get out of bed on the (non-existent) weekend and to keep chiseling away at job and school.
Why would I have to quit? I should put more time and effort into my classes. I should be home to cook my family healthy meals. I am bad at time management. The house, inside and out, is a disaster area. I am at work all day, I am at practice in the evenings, and when I'm home I'm trying to catch up on homework or I am avoiding homework, or spending time with the family. Furthermore, I don't have the time or energy to devote to derby so I never quite get good enough. I can't stop properly or effectively when the pressure's on, and I haven't figured out how to turn around. I'm slow, and my endurance is relatively low. I'm spread too thinly so I'm a half-ass worker, a half-ass student, and a half-ass skater. But....I'm not quite ready to cut my losses yet. Fall term starts tomorrow, and I'm going to make one more run at Doing it All and Being All That I Can Be.
This blog isn't going to be about school, it's not going to be about work, it's not going to be about my domestic frustrations. It's simply going to be a record of my derby progress. If there is progress, if I do feel like writing about it, and if I survive this next term, then there's a place for me in derby and a place for derby in my life. If there's no progress, then 2012 will mean I can get more use out of the Rose City Rollers season pass that I won at their season championships in June.
I don't know what it will look like. For now, it will just be a record of what I learned, what I did, where I hurt, how I felt, who I met there, or something like that. Maybe some pictures. We'll find out really quickly if it's going to fly or not. After a two week total break from skating, I'm planning to return to practice tomorrow, and my plan is to write a little something when I get home, before I plow into homework and before I give up and go to bed. 'til then!?
What will it be about this time?
This time...it will be simple. And probably repetitious and unreadable after a while, if I do indeed continue it for a while. I still envision the lack of time. Currently, along with my usual full-time employment and family, I am a half-time grad student and a wannabe derby girl. The heart of the matter is that I am unhappy in my job (a change for the better in hindsight has resulted in a Loss of Mastery and of Self), not thrilled about school (hanging on the thread that it will help get me out of the niche I feel wedged into), and these two things leave me little time or energy for derby. Women's Flat Track Roller Derby. My only real hobby of the moment. I cannot give up my job, and I cannot give up school if I want to improve the job situation, but honestly, I don't want to give up the only expendable thing. Roller derby forces me to exercise, forces me to socialize, makes me feel good and a part of something. It keeps me relatively sane and gives me a reason to get out of bed on the (non-existent) weekend and to keep chiseling away at job and school.
Why would I have to quit? I should put more time and effort into my classes. I should be home to cook my family healthy meals. I am bad at time management. The house, inside and out, is a disaster area. I am at work all day, I am at practice in the evenings, and when I'm home I'm trying to catch up on homework or I am avoiding homework, or spending time with the family. Furthermore, I don't have the time or energy to devote to derby so I never quite get good enough. I can't stop properly or effectively when the pressure's on, and I haven't figured out how to turn around. I'm slow, and my endurance is relatively low. I'm spread too thinly so I'm a half-ass worker, a half-ass student, and a half-ass skater. But....I'm not quite ready to cut my losses yet. Fall term starts tomorrow, and I'm going to make one more run at Doing it All and Being All That I Can Be.
This blog isn't going to be about school, it's not going to be about work, it's not going to be about my domestic frustrations. It's simply going to be a record of my derby progress. If there is progress, if I do feel like writing about it, and if I survive this next term, then there's a place for me in derby and a place for derby in my life. If there's no progress, then 2012 will mean I can get more use out of the Rose City Rollers season pass that I won at their season championships in June.
I don't know what it will look like. For now, it will just be a record of what I learned, what I did, where I hurt, how I felt, who I met there, or something like that. Maybe some pictures. We'll find out really quickly if it's going to fly or not. After a two week total break from skating, I'm planning to return to practice tomorrow, and my plan is to write a little something when I get home, before I plow into homework and before I give up and go to bed. 'til then!?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Dormancy
Dormancy. That describes the state of this blog, more often than not. I don't even consider it to be a blog. I feel that a blog should have some purpose, and this one does not, other than possibly being the place I think about when I'm mulling over my options. I've been in my own sort of dormancy now for several years...my head down working toward something: trying to got on my feet post-divorce, get full-time employment, get my degree, plan a wedding, get used to a new job, and now, looking at grad school because I don't feel comfortable in the corner that I've wedged myself into. Unnecessarily stressed and unhappy, I allow little brain-space for those things that might keep me sane. Things like hobbies, exercise.
Every so often there's a spark. Rock camp felt like it would change my life. There's the occasional bubble of creativity as I take up some craft. I can still get lost in music, once in a while, and there's always a book. Right now I'm rather obsessed with roller derby. But the spark dims or gets doused, either by my location, my work schedule (which includes a weekly evening and every other Saturday), or my inner dialogues tainted by well-seated introversion, depression, and old tapes that I can never seem to switch off. I'm old enough to know I should be able to rise above all that, but also old enough to acknowledge that I will probably not change. But maybe I can work around this?
I need a project, something that I can work on daily, at the very least weekly. Something that will rise above the work stress. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm thinking...
For now, a list. Small things, big things. Possibilities, a brain storm!
1. Grad school. I don't relish the idea of returning to school. The time, the stress, the money, and maybe I'm too old for this. But there's a spark in the challenge of it, and the lure of progress when I've spent this past year just sort of floundering keeps me moving toward this thing, even as it repels me. I'm still waiting for the official word on my GRE scores to start my school search seriously, but I made my first application to a program that doesn't require the GRE.
2. Sewing. I need to revisit this idea, if only because as I get older the lifelong inability to feel comfortable in the options available to me is getting worse. I don't want to follow someone else's trend or idea of what a woman my age is supposed to wear. I found a book on creating skirts (a relatively simple place to start) and modifying them for body type and size. I have my grandmother's sewing machine which, for years now, I've been meaning to take in to be reconditioned. I don't have space in the house for this project, unless I get good about clearing the dining table so we don't end up eating our meals on the couch and coffee table.
3. The tattoo. Little to be said about this. I made the decision at age 19. Then, it was going to be that thing I did in my 40th year (that's come and gone). I know where I want to go, who I want to do it, and a few ideas about what I want...I've always just been intimidated about going to the parlor alone, but I think that's my self-imposed perception and limitation and I just need to get over it. Reading reviews of the shop have helped a little in that department.
4. Skating. Yep, it's funny, but I really do want to get back on skates. Okay, I really want to join the roller derby league, but that's out of the question. I have to travel to find a rink, to Vancouver, WA, or Portland, but it's doable. If I have to go by myself, like the tattoo, that makes things more difficult, kind of "odd", but maybe it's worth it, just to see...
5. Cooking
6. Block printing
7. Zine (thinking more of a theme-based collaborative thing).
8. Volunteering: hospice, humane society, community house, girls rock camp, roller derby
9. Exercise: walking, cycling, hiking, skating (!)
10.
Every so often there's a spark. Rock camp felt like it would change my life. There's the occasional bubble of creativity as I take up some craft. I can still get lost in music, once in a while, and there's always a book. Right now I'm rather obsessed with roller derby. But the spark dims or gets doused, either by my location, my work schedule (which includes a weekly evening and every other Saturday), or my inner dialogues tainted by well-seated introversion, depression, and old tapes that I can never seem to switch off. I'm old enough to know I should be able to rise above all that, but also old enough to acknowledge that I will probably not change. But maybe I can work around this?
I need a project, something that I can work on daily, at the very least weekly. Something that will rise above the work stress. I'm not sure what that is, but I'm thinking...
For now, a list. Small things, big things. Possibilities, a brain storm!
1. Grad school. I don't relish the idea of returning to school. The time, the stress, the money, and maybe I'm too old for this. But there's a spark in the challenge of it, and the lure of progress when I've spent this past year just sort of floundering keeps me moving toward this thing, even as it repels me. I'm still waiting for the official word on my GRE scores to start my school search seriously, but I made my first application to a program that doesn't require the GRE.
2. Sewing. I need to revisit this idea, if only because as I get older the lifelong inability to feel comfortable in the options available to me is getting worse. I don't want to follow someone else's trend or idea of what a woman my age is supposed to wear. I found a book on creating skirts (a relatively simple place to start) and modifying them for body type and size. I have my grandmother's sewing machine which, for years now, I've been meaning to take in to be reconditioned. I don't have space in the house for this project, unless I get good about clearing the dining table so we don't end up eating our meals on the couch and coffee table.
3. The tattoo. Little to be said about this. I made the decision at age 19. Then, it was going to be that thing I did in my 40th year (that's come and gone). I know where I want to go, who I want to do it, and a few ideas about what I want...I've always just been intimidated about going to the parlor alone, but I think that's my self-imposed perception and limitation and I just need to get over it. Reading reviews of the shop have helped a little in that department.
4. Skating. Yep, it's funny, but I really do want to get back on skates. Okay, I really want to join the roller derby league, but that's out of the question. I have to travel to find a rink, to Vancouver, WA, or Portland, but it's doable. If I have to go by myself, like the tattoo, that makes things more difficult, kind of "odd", but maybe it's worth it, just to see...
5. Cooking
6. Block printing
7. Zine (thinking more of a theme-based collaborative thing).
8. Volunteering: hospice, humane society, community house, girls rock camp, roller derby
9. Exercise: walking, cycling, hiking, skating (!)
10.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
He Cuts, He Pokes! Go! Go! Go!
Took some time out from weird times to go see a really bad/good Japanese monster movie on a big screen...
We thought the 50th Anniversary screening of Godzilla--complete with subtitles and without Raymond Burr--at the Cinema 21 several years ago was pretty nifty (I think the Lad was still somewhat new to the reading thing back then--now he's a major fan of the subtitled monster and anime genres, not to mention a serious reader). But Filmusik's project Gamera vs. Guiron with a live soundtrack was the bee's knees.
By now the lad's well familiar with the Hero Turtle Gamera, but how often do we get to see it on the silver screen of an old theater? The soundtrack was completely live--chamber orchestra, voice actors, foley artists, and the front row turned out to be a planted chorus who stood up and sang the Gamera theme song. Twice. The audience was appreciative and participatory, and at the end of the show we were asked to please rise for a last chorus of the theme song, complete with "follow the bouncing ball" lyrics. Sheer happiness and lots of laughter. Totally Awesome. I can't wait to see what this group does next.
We thought the 50th Anniversary screening of Godzilla--complete with subtitles and without Raymond Burr--at the Cinema 21 several years ago was pretty nifty (I think the Lad was still somewhat new to the reading thing back then--now he's a major fan of the subtitled monster and anime genres, not to mention a serious reader). But Filmusik's project Gamera vs. Guiron with a live soundtrack was the bee's knees.
By now the lad's well familiar with the Hero Turtle Gamera, but how often do we get to see it on the silver screen of an old theater? The soundtrack was completely live--chamber orchestra, voice actors, foley artists, and the front row turned out to be a planted chorus who stood up and sang the Gamera theme song. Twice. The audience was appreciative and participatory, and at the end of the show we were asked to please rise for a last chorus of the theme song, complete with "follow the bouncing ball" lyrics. Sheer happiness and lots of laughter. Totally Awesome. I can't wait to see what this group does next.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Horrors - Sea Within a Sea
Another guilty pleasure. This takes me back, but I'm not sure where...
Monday, June 08, 2009
Blue
It was only after finding a big, blue dildo with vibrating capabilities in the overnight drive-through bookdrop this morning did I wonder why more things don't get shoved in there. Not that I'm complaining. Just curious. There's the occasional food mess (which is both gross AND destructive), but nothing like this. I suppose the library is either untouchable or registers too low on the mischievous conscience.
But I wonder...what was the story behind the toy? Who got the idea to drop it off at the library, and what put that idea there?
But I wonder...what was the story behind the toy? Who got the idea to drop it off at the library, and what put that idea there?
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